dreary bountiful: Say Goodbye to Passive Behavior

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If you're like most women, you've probably had a time or two in your life when you failed to speak up for yourself, and you routinely surrendered to others' misbehavior, impositions, inconsiderate behavior, ideas, and opinions that significantly impacted YOUR life.

It is likely that after yet another powerless encounter with friends, family, or foes, you later felt anger that oddly was not directed so much at the person who "overpowered" you but at someone much closer--Yourself! You become the target of your own anger when you realize you have succumbed once again to choices that do not align with your heart's desire or choices that may be outright destructive in terms of prolonging poor quality relationships, derailing a dream, draining your finances, or staying in exhausting jobs that exploit your dedication. Even worse, you may attempt to take the edge off of your frustrations with habits of excessive eating, shopping, or drinking among many other indulgences that bring only temporary relief but create a host of additional problems. Self-betrayal always comes at a price.

Though it may seem hopeless, you actually can say good-bye to passive behavior and reclaim your rightful voice with the following considerations and guidelines:

1. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Monitor the number of times you respond to questions with "I guessI don't knowPerhapsIt doesn't matter to me." You may think this language communicates gentleness and politeness; or you may think it's courteous to always let others choose; or selfish to actually state your desires with clarity, so you assume others will guess what you want. You may be afraid to make a choice out of fear that others will not like your choice and therefore not like you. When you respond in such non-committal ways, it cheats others out of getting to know the real you, including your passions, likes, dislikes, principles, and core values. I recall having a girlfriend who was the poster child for passivity. Whenever it was time to decide on a restaurant for a fun girls-night-out, she rarely had strong opinions about where to eat and usually defaulted on such decisions. She was usually unhappy with the choice others were forced to make for her. Her lack of enjoyment about the selected restaurant and the effort involved in trying to guess what she might like challenged others to enjoy the outing. It became burdensome to include her in meal-centered activities because making a decision became like pulling teeth from a baby. My friends and I missed and wanted her input in a definitive way in order to value her choices and therefore value her. Allowing others in on what you really think and desire is a relationship-enhancer for those who genuinely respect the person you are. So work at speaking with clarity in simple and direct phrasing. Take the guesswork out of the equation and stop assuming others will embark on a treasure hunt to figure out what you want. Others cannot read your mind and will not habitually take the time and effort to interpret cryptic language.

2. Learn the beauty of the word "no." The word no does not have to be delivered with meanness or accompanied by a lengthy explanation/justification of its use. When "thou protest too loudly," you leave people suspicious about the integrity and the firmness of your response. It's actually possible to say no, politely of course, and let it just ring in the air as its own sentence. It's a liberating word that indicates you have pondered certain consequences in your mind and concluded that something's not right for you. Ah, by the way, when not sure of what response you'd like to give, buy yourself some time by simply sleeping on it. Usually, most responses are not required right away. You'll find you have better perspective the next day and therefore an opportunity to give a more thoughtful, non-flustered answer instead of one that saddles you with a commitment born out of a need to be a people-pleaser. As Proverbs 29:20 teaches, "Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him." When you take the time to think about your responses, it's not a passive retreat, but rather a wise, purposeful act of self-control and assertion that safeguards you against suffering in silence through unwanted commitments or having to undo commitments made in haste. An overcommitted life or commitments to events and circumstances that do not reflect your true self may fool you into thinking you're living a full, emboldened life. In actuality, busyness without purpose or fulfillment leaves you feeling depleted and may be signs that passivity has crept into your decision-making. This, in turn may provoke anger and irritability with self and others.

3. Learn the art of the silent response; silence can speak volumes. There are different kinds of silence that are just as much a part of communication as the spoken word. You have probably been in the company of those who are silent in a sort of invisible, uncomfortable-in-their-own-skin kind of way; and those who are silent in an angry, condescending kind of way, and yet those who are silent in a peaceful or even assertive way. Hence, when tempted to appease your mother when she insists your son have another piece of cake against your wishes, try "assertive silence" when she again tries to convince you and simply remove your child from the room without fanfare or anger. Remember, it takes two people to keep a disagreement going and only one to stop it. Sometimes silent protest is the most effective and peaceful weapon against passivity. "A gentle tongue can break a bone." (Proverbs 25:15)

4. Don't be surprised when others try to pull you back into your old doormat ways. Others are not likely to be happy with the fact that you're no longer available to serve their needs at the expense of your own. They may make statements with irritated tones like "you've changedwhat happened to you?" Don't fret or be deterred when others notice you've changed, and they begin to respond differently to you. That's supposed to happen! When you change, others are forced to change in response to you. And that's a good thing, even if it doesn't feel so good at first. Expect discomfort initially, but be patient with yourself and others as you all adjust to the new assertive you. Your goal in becoming assertive is not to be liked by everybody but rather to be respectful toward yourself and others. You may have to re-evaluate who is in your life and why. Then, clean house accordingly by lessening time with others that only want the "old you," not returning their phone calls, peacefully resisting response to their detracting comments, or purposefully changing the subject when others begin to rain on your parade. They'll notice what you're no longer responding to and will realize their diminishing influence in halting your expanding horizons. If you really want to save the relationship(s), an assertive response that values yourself and the person(s) may sound something like, "I appreciate your caring enough to notice that I've changed. It's unfortunate that you're uncomfortable with my growth right now, and I hope we will all adjust in the not-too-distant future. I value the relationship and would love for us to grow together. So let's be patient with each other and celebrate what we have in common." When hit with guilty feelings about your changing interactions with others and temptations to return to your old doormat ways, try adopting a quote from Maya Angelou that may keep your new-found mission moving forward. "I did what I knew how to do at the time. When I knew better, I did better."

Dr. Pam Thompson is a Professional Psychologist in Atlanta, GA specializing in: healthy enhancement of relationships and performance enhancement. In 2011, Dr. Thompson published "Surviving Mama", which explores strained Mother-Daughter relationships. Learn more about Dr. Thompson by visiting her website at http://www.survivingmama.com

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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Say Goodbye to Passive Behavior

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